Thoughts

Thoughts of suicide run through my head

All I want to do is let the blood shed

But what’s the point when nobody's there?

What’s the point when nobody cares?

All I want to do is let the pain go

Why is it wrong to let the blood flow?

How do I get out of this mess?

What do I do to let my mind rest?

When’s the time to give it all up?

How do I get out of this rut?

I wrote this poem about my struggles with suicide. It tells about how I feel alone and as if no one cares.

#iknowJenny

When I was younger I would always say that I would never cut or burn myself. I would never attempt to kill myself, never do drugs, drink, or smoke even one cigarette.

I can still remember the first time I attempted to cut myself. I used a dull scissors. It made a scratch, nothing deep. Afterwards, I told my mother. I think one of the things that hurt the most is she didn't really react. I feel as if she let it go, like she didn't honestly care.

After that, I started cutting with a razor. First it was on my wrists then on my thighs. For awhile, I would tell my Mom but then I stopped because I didn't feel as if she really cared.

I can't exactly remember when I started burning... I guess the razor wasn't enough so I grabbed a lighter and burned my leg. It got to the point where I didn't even flinch when the heat hit my skin.

At first, cutting and burning was just a way to relieve my pain. It was never suicide related. I didn't really have suicide intentions at that time.

I attempted suicide my sophomore year after my birthday. I had been sending pictures to a guy I liked. We had had sex and I had told someone that I thought I could trust. It turns out that I couldn't trust them. They told someone else and it just escalated from there. The guy threatened to post all the pictures online and hearing that, I snapped. I went home that day, saying I felt sick.

From there everything went downhill. I cut and burned over and over again. Then I found a bunch of over the counter drugs, like ibuprofen, and took them...

After I realized what I had done, I went down to my mom's work and I told her. That night I was put into a youth hospital, or whatever you want to call it. I can't really say it helped me any. They just put me on abilify and sent me on my way.

I've cut quite a bit since then, not really "rehabbed". I don't think I've thought of suicide again, but it's always lurking in the back of my mind.

Looking back, I can see what caused this up and down roller coaster. During the summer of my seventh grade year, my father and I had gotten into a huge fight. It killed me because my father and I had been close. I was a major daddy's girl. I always wanted to be with him. I'd go everywhere with him, even to work. I'd always be by his side, riding in the tractor with him, riding in the dump trucks. The fact that I had lost that crushed me.

That relationship with my father will never be the same. I have learned what he truly was, what he had done in the past, and I can't ever forgive him for some of the things he has done. I will always love him and he will always be my daddy but we will never be as close as we once were. The damage we have caused each other is irreparable. And I've accepted that.

I think that the loss of that relationship is one of the major factors in my depression and bipolar disorder. It has caused me to lash out, to try to find love in all the wrong places.

One of the things I have learned through all of this is that you're not alone in the way you feel. I hate when people say it gets better, because how the hell do they know? But coming from someone who has gone through the same thing you have, it really does get better. Nothing will ever be perfect. You'll have your days. But everyone does. Don't beat yourself up for all the times you fuck up and slip, cutting or burning another scar in your skin. Just realize that you did it and let yourself grow stronger and learn from that.

#iknowJenny

Scars

See, I've got scars in honor of people that no longer mean anything to me.

Scars for lost friends and family, along with all the pain I've ever had to deal with. They cover my leg, telling a story of a girl that suffers from a disease known as depression.

I’ve got this razor, hidden from the world, and it stays hidden from me until one day, I just need to replace the pain, and I remember where it is… And then I use it.

This razor, it has felt the contours of my skin, slicing a fresh mark and causing streams of velvet to run…

Some people think that this is all just a cry for attention. But what they don't know is that I don't want attention. I want to be left alone in my misery. I don't want your pity. It means nothing to me. I don't want your love, you'll just take it back anyway.

See, I've got these scars in honor of people that no longer mean anything to me.

Goodbye

Lying next to you,

I felt so safe, should have known from the start it was too good to be true.

You make me feel like I’m to blame,

Now I’m the one who’s shamed.

I can’t stop the way I feel,

Can’t stop the hurt so real.

So, there’s nothing left to hide,

There’s nothing left to sacrifice.

I don’t expect you to understand this,

But my feelings for you is a never ending list.

And now I hate you for the way you smiled when you looked at me

Like you had a locked up heart and I was to set you free.

I hate you for every kind word you ever said,

The way you took control and fucked with my head.

I hate that all I can hear is your heart beat,

All I can think of is the melody.

I hate that I can feel you on these empty nights,

All I can think of is how it felt so right.

I hate that all I can think of is the first time our lips met,

The way my heart tripped.

But most of all, I hate the way I think I love you,

And now I know it was all too good to be true.

So, I’ve come to a conclusion,

I’ll put my heart in seclusion.

This is the last time I let someone in,

The last time I let someone win.

I’ll build a barrier around myself,

Put our memories on the highest shelf.

And maybe one day I’ll take them down,

Just to go another round.

But for now I won’t let myself cry,

Won’t let myself die.

So, for now, I guess it’s goodbye.

This poem also uses lines from some of my favorite songs. I wrote this poem to basically say goodbye to someone who I care for very much. The songs used are Tears Don’t Fall (part two)-Bullet For My Valentine, Die For You-Otherwise, Blood-In This Moment, Better Than Drugs-Skillet

Broken #2

Broken pieces shattered on the floor,

She doesn’t want to live no more

Falling down a deep dark hole,

To her she plays just another role

Haunting dreams,

Try not to scream

Lost in thought,

Deadly shots

Bound in chains

Scarlett rains

Too big a secret,

Can you keep it?

Falling, falling, don’t look down

It’ll just hurt worse once you hit the ground

Take down the walls,

To end it all

Find the exit door,

Run some more

Look for the Rabbit,

The one with the watch and the bad habit

Beware of the cat,

The one with stripes and who is fat

You can trust the Mad Hatter,

Be careful of the glass, it may shatter

And in the end it’ll feel like was all a scheme

But in reality, it was all just a dream

This poem is in a way a continuation of Broken #1. I felt like I could continue the story and I think that I did that in this poem.

Broken #1

Broken pieces

Haunting dreams

Bound in chains

Scarlett rains

Shattered glass

Don’t run too fast

A deep dark hole

Another role

Another world

A new reality

A rabbit and his time

Time… time…

Sounds like a rhyme

Follow me

Into a world of a new

Reality…

Falling…

Falling…

Don’t look down

There is no ground

I wrote this poem for a creative writing assignment. I was going for the Alice in Wonderland feel.

It Is Time

I think it’s time to say goodbye

I think it’s time to close my eyes

It is time to forget the past

To find the things that will never last

It is time to say farewell

Promise me you’ll never tell

I’ve found it’s time to give up on us

Even though I feel so crushed

And now it’s time to say goodbye

I’ve found it’s time for me to fly

This poem was written in regards to a relationship of mine that had ended. I wrote this poem as a way of saying that it is time to move on no matter how hard it was.

Self-Inflicted Gunshot Wounds

I’ve got scars that cover my skin

Thoughts that feel like a sin

I get pleasure from an old rusted razor

Thoughts that go silent as it pierces my vein

Got this self-inflicted gunshot wound

Pain that won’t seem to go away

I almost didn’t live to see another day

I’m battered and bruised

So broken and used

They say I’m insane

That I’m too far gone

They say that I’m too far in the past

And that I won’t last

They think they know me so well

But they don’t know me at all

I’m lost with nowhere to run

I know that I am shunned

And no one approves of what I’ve done

This poem was written for an ex of mine who shot himself three times. (He survived, thankfully.) It tells the story of a young man who self-harms and is suicidal. He feels like no one understands him and he knows that he knows that they don’t approve of him doing the things he has done.

The Monster

This is hell

Fine.

Do you know why?

No. Of course not.

I’m done talking now

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I know this is hard

I don’t want your fucking sympathy

Is it okay to let it all out?

No. Of course not.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I swerved recklessly

Alone, not quite sane

Not quite straight

Could I have saved her?

No. Of course not.

Welcome to my hell.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Deep breath

RUN

The demons are coming

Tripping, falling, breaking

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hit high

Fall low

Oh god

Save me

Hell no

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I’d have gotten lost

Most definitely

Weaving, grasping

Being.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Wounded heart

Need a bitter drink

Of the monster

This poem is not written in my own words. It was a writing assignment for my creative writing class. We had to take something ordinary, like a newspaper or a book, and turn it into a poem. I chose to use one of the books in the Crank series by Ellen Hopkins.

All Of

All of those nights lying next to you

all of the things I thought were true

All of the “I love yous” shared

all of the times I thought you cared

All of the memories that will never fade

all of the love we made

All of the things I thought

all of the lessons taught

All of the pain I felt

all of the misery dealt

All of the tears that were shed

all of the times I wished I were dead

All of the cuts created

all of the love, tainted

All of the lies told

all of the nights spent cold

All of the times I faked it

and in the end we didn’t make it

This poem is personal to me because it is about one of my relationships that meant a lot to me. This particular relationship was a struggle and even though it wasn’t the greatest relationship, it was one I didn’t want to give up on. What I am trying to say in this poem is that I put so much into the relationship and in the end it wasn’t enough.

Warrior

I’ve been cast out, sequestered

Pushed the fuck around

I’ve been blindsided, beaten, locked up and bound

I have wounds that still fester

But I live with no regrets

And now I’ve found my life is just a test

I’ve been treated like an animal since the day I was born

My life is full of longing, but for what I’ll never know

It’s like my life is worth nothing, like it’s a fucking show

I’ve been broken down, thrown away and now I’ve found I’m worn

I feel the rage and I just can’t hold it back

I need to get my life on track

Surrounded by my sin, I think this might be the end

I’ve found that I’m smothered by my skin

And that I’ll never fucking win

So I’ll just do what I do and make the most of it

I’ll find a way not to give a shit

This poem uses lines from some of my favorite songs. I basically used certain lines from the songs and added my own lines when I felt it was appropriate. The songs used are Moth-Hellyeah, The Death of Me-Asking Alexandria, Another Bottle Down-Asking Alexandria

If...

If your memories could stop haunting me,

If the pain of your absence would stop taunting me,

Maybe then I could begin to feel okay.

If your voice would stop following me,

If my head would stop repeating the things that you have said,

Then maybe I could begin to find my way.

If the feeling of your touch would stop lingering,

If I could just begin to forget the color of your eyes,

Maybe then I could move on.

If I could stop feeling this agony,

If I could forget the love I felt for you,

Then maybe living life wouldn't feel so wrong.

Do You Know the Feeling?

Do you know the feeling?

When you're listening to your music, blocking out the world, and suddenly the music stops.

All you can hear is the dull reality that is life.

And you just long for that distraction, scrambling to disappear once again from the real world.

And when that music begins again,

You can't help but feeling relief.

Monsters

See,

I have these monsters residing inside of my head.

Some days, they like to come out and play.

They taunt me, they consume me.

They give me a sense of dread.

I have these monsters,

Sometimes they like to get in my way.

Sometimes they like to go into hiding,

Making me believe that I'll be okay.

Then they appear out of thin air,

Making life unable to bear.

These monsters are always lurking,

Threatening to abuse me.

I've began to learn to live with them,

I've began to figure out how to silence them.

I'm Tired

You know,

I'm tired of people asking me if I'm okay.

I'm tired of feeling.

I'm tired of living.

Of being me.

I'm tired of these monsters inside of my head.

And I'm tired of constantly trying to find a way out.

Of hitting dead ends everywhere I turn.

I'm sick and tired of these thoughts.

Of feeling like I'm better off dead.